Being the birth child in a fostering family

Children whose parents foster will have different experiences to their parents. From the start of the families fostering journey the teamwork closely with any children to ensure we seek their views, to enable them to feel supported and to answer any questions they may have. The children and they are very much part of the assessment process. This support doesn’t end when children are placed in their family. We offer ongoing individual or group support to children.

Here is one young person’s fostering experience.

My parents first told me about fostering and I didn’t know what it was. I was young and I believed that every family was the same as mine. They explained that if they became Foster Carers we would have children staying at our house that couldn’t stay in their own home. Sometimes for just one night, sometimes for longer.

I felt strange, it was like being told I was getting a brother or sister, but I wasn’t. It was a bit scary knowing that I was going to have to share my life, but I was excited to get to meet new people.

My mum would always make sure my room was tidy before the social worker visited. It annoyed me though, as when the social worker visited I wasn’t allowed in the same room as her and my parents. I wanted to know what was being said, but my mum said things need to be confidential, I’ve had to get used to that! They told me what I needed to know, not all I wanted to know.

My mum and dad had to go to panel and then they were approved as foster carers. My mum and dad always told me that my sister and I were still the most important people to them, and if there were problems, we should tell them.

Some things changed in our house, to create good habits. We had to chap doors if they are shut and wait to be invited in. If I am in the room with one of the children, the door has to be open. The rules are the same for all the children.

Sometimes children come to stay with us as planned, sometimes they’re a total surprise! My parents always tell me if they know someone is coming to the home. If we have their name it helps.

Other children have shared my life for longer, we’ve had one boy who has lived with us for 4 years. He had stayed when he was younger and asked to come back. He has been on holiday with us and joined the same clubs I was involved in. He gets presents from all my family at his birthday and Christmas. Sometimes we argue, sometimes we gang up on my mum – she says!

Fostering is trying to help children and give them a safe place, but it’s not always good. My friends sometimes think that my parents have taken the children away from their families.

The children have had a different life to me, and some don’t know how to follow rules. I’ve had toys deliberately broken and my walls drawn on to make it look like I had done it, these things can be quite upsetting.

I’ve had to handle many different situations that would not have happened if I was not a child in a family who fosters and I’ve learnt that I must talk to people to share the difficulties.

There’s also the sons and daughters group, which really helps to be able to talk to other young people living the same life as me. Sometimes it can be quite lonely because you can’t talk to your own friends about it due to confidentiality. As a family we also have a social worker, and it’s good to talk to them too

Sometimes saying goodbye to the children can be hard, sometimes it can be good.

When a person has lived with you and you’ve developed an attachment to them, they become like family. Seeing them leave is like your own brother or sister walking away forever and you don’t know if you’ll ever see them again. You just have to deal with that. Sometimes they leave when you’re not there and you walk in after a day at school and they’re just gone. It can really hurt.

If you haven’t really built a relationship with them it can be easier to say goodbye. It can also be easier if the children are happy to leave, if they are happy and looking forward to their future then you can share those feelings too.

I feel fostering has given me an understanding outside of my normal. I’ve learned that my life, where my parents are healthy and I have a home, food on the table, warm bed, getting to clubs and having love and care around me, is not the life that everyone has.

I appreciate these things more and I maybe wouldn’t have given that the same thought if my parents didn’t foster.

I’ve gained friends, some that call me brother, and I hope those relationships will last. My eyes have been opened to a bigger world, and it can be very bad and scary.

If you have children and are interested in fostering please get in touch. We would love to hear from you.